Is it Bipolar or Being a Woman?


Photography by @soulhood_T

What is it about writing that calls me to it so much? Is it to share my journey? Share my experiences? The very thing I do that I also despise. My experience is overwhelming, for the very reason these polar opposites exist within me. I question so much if it is a problem and if I am crazy just because of how overwhelming it is to deal with- my want to rise and shine and also to hide. This balancing in life was my forsaken destiny, and I called myself the epitome of a libra. “This is what I want”, as I scratch my head and laugh in confusion and pity. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s something”. I know exactly what it is, I’m a woman. *stomps off and shuts the door*... I am crazy- animated. Hmph, that’s exactly what I want and what I am. That character lives in my head and I am forcing it down out of a sense of trying to get a hold of myself. I don’t know what is going to burst out, but it feels like the Tasmanian devil or a fake sophisticated roger rabbit. Hmph. Am I afraid of this Woman? Something has me afraid and I don’t know if I am just telling me that, but my mind is in the calmest frenzy and I have no idea what the fuck is even wrong with me, but I have been triggered and I just need to create. I could throw everything away and start over right now- run away to the mountains, or I could rise up to the bitch I want to be.


The bitch would be hard, but so would running away, so am I stuck? Stuck, stagnant within two directions. What do I really want?


I want to be okay and content when I feel crazy and when I’ve been triggered. To be okay with who I am in these moments and to not feel like I have to be anything or anyone else. I am calm, cool, and collected, but I also have an immense amount of rage and will pop off in a second, and this is where I find myself stuck in between, or now learning how to utilize, like how at this moment I feel 100% both calm and enraged. And I just want my mind to quiet, and simmer down, and listen because it is beautiful.


“That’s just something I do.” *trying to be normal inside my head*. My struggles are internal. I argue with different thoughts, sometimes even with different people & I chase my ego while I find the many places it hides which leads me to think that I am the devil. You can’t tell me something isn’t wrong with me, but I mean at least I make great art and you might think I’m a genius, but nobody knows the struggle I endure to know in my heart I have such a gift to give, but right behind me are the fucked up ways that exert themselves when other people are around, and it’s really getting worse. I am afraid to get close to people and it’s only at times, but there are other times when I can give you the warmest hug... I forgot to ask myself who am I today?


:)


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