I forgot that I was healing. Something reminded me. It was the feeling I had. I walked around my apartment doing my daily prancing around from task to task. I felt light as if I had just taken a hellish hot bath immersed in Epson salt and essential oils. It was a relaxing feeling- a refreshed feeling. I felt warmly wet and hugged in universal love. It was almost like I had just been reborn or baptized and the water was still dripping off of me. I basked in it and remembered a time that I felt something similar. It, too, was a reborn feeling, but right after I had almost killed myself. I took it as my confirmation.
Be sure to check out the DIY Video on how I achieved this look at the end of this post!
Life has been on the rise lately. I have become unblocked, untrapped, and liberated in a few different ways. It’s been so great that I forgot how I overcame the dark clouds that were once in my life- The same clouds that left me consistently stagnant for over a year. In 2018, I spiraled down at a time that I was becoming exactly who I wanted to be-in my career, in my leadership, and in my mind. I finally left giving to love more than I gave to myself, but in only a few weeks of this liberated energy, my heart was stolen which left me in yet another year-plus-long depression. I remember praying for mercy during this time and praying for the forces to help me escape my feelings and give me the strength to be resilient through my depression. It was painful and probably one of the most difficult experiences ever. Even more difficult than falling 50 feet from a tree into shallow waters. (I know because I experienced it - story coming one day!) I tried any and everything I could to bring the sun into my life again that in my defeat all I could do was go to sleep. I wonder, if it wasn’t for love, would we even experience the feelings on the opposite end of the spectrum like suffering and depression? I also wonder if heartbreaks look like mental illnesses.
Since I was 19 years old, I devoted my every waking to myself. It started right around the time I was diagnosed with severe depression, suspended from college for fighting, and had to go to anger management. This was all in 2012- the year that the world was supposed to end. The timing was impeccable. The world didn't end, but my life changed forever. I began my spiritual journey, began learning about myself, and just how negative my mind was trained to be. I needed to change and was willing to do whatever it took to cure myself from what the doctors labeled me. I believed depression was just something I had to deal with without reason- not knowing there was always a trigger and always a way to climb out of it. My depression became a flux of weeks in a dark place with maybe a few days of positive energy and spontaneous bursts. (What the doctors might label Bipolar disorder) Almost 10 years later & depression is still something I battle with. Growing up, when I was diagnosed, and even now, my trigger has always been love.
Recently, I had to heal from falling in love. Not a heartbreak, but falling in love. It was a unique feeling, but it was extremely horrifying. Every day, I questioned whether the choices I made were grounded in self-worth or surrounded by fear. Since my last breakup, I’ve experienced intense chemistry with a few people. The chemistry was so intense that as soon as I was away from it, my insides would scatter around so much I would become extremely obsessive. My mental chatter would become obsessive, the energy in my brain would become obsessive, and my cleaning would become obsessive. (I'm sure the doctors would label this OCD). Paired with my obsession, was depression, which made the experience overall extremely overwhelming. What I do, though, is give myself lots of patience, mentally stimulating activities (like art, books, etc.), rest, self-care, and self-reflection. These are my rituals for getting through my dark clouds caused by love.
Without much action, the universe makes it a point to bring me any obstacle that helps me find greater liberation. If I want courage and confidence, the universe brings me fear. If I want success, the universe brings me poverty. If I want love, the universe brings me, well, more fear and maybe even hate. It may seem like a lot, and it is, but that is my unique journey and connection with the Universe. It gives me faith that whenever those dark clouds start to creep in it means there's more freedom to access in my life.
Your journey may look very different or even similar, but there is one thing we all have alike and that is time. As much as I love to say time is nonexistent, time is what it takes to heal. After all these years of keeping myself first and working on myself to get to a happy place, I forgot that I was healing and what I was doing it for. I heal to be the best version of me, to be successful, and to help others be the same. At this point in the conscious era, it may seem like a cliche, but healing is an everlasting process. And just as much as it is a cliche it is imperative because it’s something that we forget to do. With a little self-reflection and realization, we can always overcome our dark clouds and maybe even quicker if we are aware of our triggers.
Chase Your Fears